Spring Renewal
Perhaps I should have saved this topic for October, but there’s something empowering about facing our fears in a time when the days are longer and less time spent in shadow. It allows us to better see things as they are instead of what we fear them to be.
But, I also share this to let you know that if you feel similar, you’re not alone.
I’ve recently read a few scientific articles that question Western culture’s tradition of setting goals/resolutions on January 1st despite occurring less than two weeks into winter. While we don’t have the luxury of hibernating in the darker months like dormant bears and tulip bulbs, we do have the opportunity to use those quiet moments to reflect and plan for the future.
So, here’s to a (true) new year where we can get out of our houses to enjoy the extra sunlight to celebrate the fears we’ve overcome while facing the ones ahead.
While I don’t believe in being guided by fear, refusing to acknowledge it can be equally as dangerous. Fear and anxiety are a powerhouse duo. The trick is allowing them to work for you when useful, and setting them aside when they’re not.
Fear of the Blank Page
When I was a teacher, I would start the day with a journal prompt. It allowed students the opportunity to ease into the school day into a low-stakes activity that (theoretically) would stimulate their brains awake.
Some days there were practical prompts like list all the things you can think of that start with the letter R while other days were more imaginative, such as take your favorite animals and combine them into one creature. But the one that gave the most groans and complaints was free write.
On the surface, it sounds like the easiest thing in the world; a limitless canvas to do whatever you want! I learned very quickly, however, this fascinating fact: not only are we conditioned to be told what to do, we actually like it.
Don’t misunderstand me, this doesn’t mean students (or adults for that matter) enjoy to work. Given the choice, most will opt for play. But! When work is involved, I was surprised how many did not enjoy autonomy.
The same can be said for writing.
Of course, if I call myself a writer, I am ideally coming to the blank page with ideas, if not a general direction of where I want to go. But two fears plague me every time I stare at the blank page.
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As independent and creative as I like to think I am, I do have to admit that I am very used to being told what to do. It feels good to look back at a boss, friend, parent, partner after doing something they asked and hearing words of praise and is the euphoric drug of people-pleasers worldwide. So, sitting down and writing something that no one told me to do and relying on my own self-satisfaction to persist has been my purest form of exposure therapy, like locking someone with arachnophobia in a room full of spiders. While I can still get overwhelmed, I try to look at the blank page with less trepidation and more of an invitation that says “Do this for you.”
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Unlimited has a lot of positive associations with it: unlimited data plans, unlimited mileage on rental cars, unlimited refills. But, in these circumstances unlimited refers to something we simply want more of, not create on our own. While technically “unlimited” the blank page can only go as far as my effort/imagination can. There is no set recipe I can follow that will give me the perfect story. I have to decide where the characters go, how they react, and what they look like. I have to decide who’s point of view the story is being told from, how many adjectives is too many, and whether or not I believe in dialogue tag adverbs. It’s like designing your dream home from scratch; exciting at first until you realize the million tiny decisions you have to make along the way. In both cases, it’s what brings you joy and satisfaction that matters.
Fear of Time
I blame timed math drills for this. To this day, I can’t enjoy any game that has a timer and expects me to perform at my best. To those that enjoy that sort of thing, I applaud you.
Perhaps a better title for this section is Fear of Time and “Shoulds”.
I should have finished by now.
I should know what comes next.
My brain knew that writing a novel takes a lot of time, but that didn’t stop me from feeling overwhelmed at the end of each day knowing I’d only “produced a few drops to fill my loch” so to speak.
But, a common theme I’ve had to learn and re-learn in this journey is that there is no set way to do it or time period in which to do it in.
Lord of the Rings: 12 years
The Boy in the Striped Pajamas: 3 days
Catcher in the Rye: 10 years
Fahrenheit 451: 9 days
Obviously there are things like first drafts and editing to take into account, but these examples illustrate the idea that stories are dictated by what the writer needs, not an arbitrary deadline (though I’m sure publishers may advocate for deadlines).
What I’ve learned is that writing looks different every day. There are times I hit a stride and walk away with 3,000+ words to show for it but then there are other days I spend hours finding the exact words in order to make a single paragraph sing.
A novel isn’t made in a single kind of day, but in the ebb and flow of many. To become a writer is to make peace with that.
Fear of the Revision
I cannot say it enough: writing is editing. Novels are made in revisions – it isn’t a step to be skirted or hurried through, it is THE step. Drafting is just the pregame.
-Maggie Stiefvater
One of the most beautiful things about the messy first draft is the freedom to live in a world full of possibilities. Every character has a rich backstory and clear motivations, the plot is engaging and exciting, and the setting pulls you in as if you were actually there!
This is what a first draft should be.
What I wasn’t prepared for was how that all comes crashing down when you go to read it for the first time. Characters feel flat, the story too convoluted, and the setting overdone with details.
What was once a joyous experience now has turned into…work. And while there are very few people who even finish a first draft of a novel, I would argue this moment of revision is really where writers are born.
I fully admit I have yet to overcome this white whale of a fear. Why? Because it’s hard to look at something you thought was beautiful, only to see its flaws.
While most of us can sympathize with having to edit a work email or school paper, nothing can prepare you for the terror of considering hundreds of pages may, in fact, be garbage.
This is why so many experienced authors recommend taking a significant amount of time (think weeks or months) before you go back and revise. The time allows you perspective and a bit more fortitude when you finally take the leap.
It still trips me up. But, what I’ve learned is that the longer I hide from it, the worse it gets (an active imagination only intensifies that fear). It’s when I take a deep breath and set to work that I realize (in most cases) any issues I come across can be fixed by adding or subtracting a few words, shifting paragraph order, or letting someone else read it.
Not to be too self-indulgent, but I shared this quote when I first started down the road of learning how to do stained glass.
I’d rather have this imperfect thing I can hold in my hands than the “perfect” idea that sits forever festering in my head.
I think about that when I fear the edit. It’s better to face the imperfect than let it fester inside.
Fear of the Reader
As much as I am told to “write my own story” I can’t help letting other people’s perceived opinions invade my thoughts (people pleasers of the world unite).
While there are moments I sometimes write things to please the readers, what I often find is that it’s things I refrain from writing that stand out more.
I don’t specialize in spicy romantasy stories, so it’s not the content that I stay away from.
It’s vulnerability.
If I write _________, what will people think about me? Will they judge me? Pity me? Get angry with me?
I wasn’t joking when I said that writing was the best form of exposure therapy.
But, one of the greatest things I have discovered is that the people that matter most to me have loved the snippets I have shared with them and it’s the vulnerable moments that connect with them the most.
So when I catch myself shrinking from what I think others might think, I try to turn it into an invitation; an opportunity for them to get to know me instead.
Fear of the Unknown
There are as many things to worry about in the writing/publishing world as you can imagine (and writers can imagine a lot). There’s everything from finding agents, publishers, cover art, editors, proofreaders, beta readers, marketing, social media, etc.
I won’t go into detail (mainly for my own sanity). But, what I will say is a sentiment I’ve echoed before.
Writing is a personal journey.
Just like deciding what to do with the blank page and how long you need to write, the process is your own and will only feel satisfying only if you stay true to yourself.
I cringe every time I see articles and videos telling writers things like, “If you don’t this within the first 20 pages of your book, you’re doomed to fail.” Prescriptive rules are the antithesis of creativity.
If you were to list your top 10 favorite stories, I would be shocked if any one of them was made because they followed a formula or industry trends. The best stories are the ones that connect. The author had something to say and told it the way they needed to.
Of course I want to be successful and continue doing what I love most, but I also know that if I’m going to be happy it’s going to have to be in a way that fits the person that I am and not one who fears being different.
(ie, don’t expect daily social media posts 😘)
Quotes Worth Remembering
Ever since I saw Wake Up Dead Man, one particular quote has echoed in my mind ever since. There’s a lot to unpack, but, the best quotes I think are left for the reader to unpack on their own.
You’re right, it’s storytelling. This church, it’s not medieval, we’re in New York. It’s neo-Gothic, nineteenth century. Has more in common with Disneyland than Notre Dame. And the rites and rituals, the costumes, all of it. Storytelling. You’re right. I guess the question is, do these stories convince us of a lie, or do they resonate with something inside us that’s profoundly true. That we can’t express any other way. Except storytelling.
Music (with a Bonus Movie) Recommendation
First, go see Project Hail Mary before it disappears from theaters. While many movies are fine to watch at home, this one was designed to see on the big screen. If you have an IMAX screen within driving distance, it’s worth the trek and extra $. Anyone that knows me well knows how much I love movies and this one really reminded me of the magic that can happen when you have a good story to work with and are faithful in retelling it.
This isn’t a review and, honestly, the less you know about the story the better. Just go and enjoy.
My music recommendation comes from the film itself. I was surprised to find out it was a Harry Styles song as I don’t know much about him or his music. But, I really appreciate a well placed song that captures a moment really well and this one nailed it.
*Plus it earns bonus points for being filmed in Scotland. 😉
Enjoy!